


Worthless Mother

by PoeticEmptiness



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Postpartum Depression, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28671912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoeticEmptiness/pseuds/PoeticEmptiness
Summary: Set a few years after the game, Hande and Julian are now parents. Despite of the fact that the child is wanted, everything isn't just sunshine and happiness: Hande has postnatal depression and is struggling to be a good spouse and mother.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Hande Kuura & Julian Devorak
Kudos: 6





	Worthless Mother

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as a prompt requested on Tumblr.  
> Angst prompts: ”Don’t pretend you haven’t thought about your life without me!”

“Hande, my love, please... It’s 14:00 already, you need to get up.” Julian pleads while he opens the curtains of their bedroom. Hande is lying in the bed, feeling exhausted although she’s slept for over 12 hours. She covers her head with her blanket, but Julian gently pulls it away, causing his wife to groan. _Why should you get up? You're just a failure, so it’d be better for you to just wither away._ Julian smiles to her, but worry is clear in his eyes. Hande meets Julian's gaze but her eyes seem empty, emotionless. Julian knows that's not a good sign – Hande's having a bad day again. ”Please, darling. I understand you feel tired, but you feel even worse if you sleep in. What if you just sit up? I made you some breakfast.”

Julian offers his hand to Hande, who reluctantly takes it and let her husband help her to sit up. She knows, that Julian has closed his clinic early to help her, so she doesn't want to disappoint him by just sleeping. The breakfast looks delicious, but Hande doesn't feel hungry at all. ”Thank you,” she whispers, just staring at the tray with her favourite tea and lemon quark on it. _Why is he going through the trouble to make all of this for me ? I don't deserve it. I'm a burden, but Julian puts on a brave face._ Julian sits beside her, handing the bowl of quark to her encouragingly. He doesn't want to force her, but he also wants to make sure Hande eats – she's lost weight recently. Tentatively Hande takes the spoon and slowly eats the quark – she knows Julian won't leave until she's eaten it all. 

Asra comes knocking on the bedroom door before coming in, ”How are you feeling, Hande?” Hande just shrugs, not meeting Asra's eyes. She feels embarrassed that she needs so much help, that Asra and even Muriel have come to help her with chores. ”Saaga, Faust, Inanna and Malak are keeping an eye on the baby, so not to worry. I contacted your parents recently. They said they're more than happy to come and help you, as well.” ”That's great news!” Julian says, ”Now you don't need to worry about being alone while I'm at the clinic – I always feel bad leaving you.” He puts his arm on Hande's shoulders and kisses her temple, causing a lopsided smile rising on Hande's face. ”Thank you, Asra. And sorry for causing so much trouble,” Hande says woefully. ”Nonsense! You're currently unwell and you're my friend. I'd do anything to help you. And who would refuse a chance to spend time with Ilona?” 

Muriel also enters the room, looking hesitant. ”I picked some flowers... If you want to have them here,” he mumbles to Hande. She forces a smile on her face, thanks him and asks Julian to get a vase for the flowers. After the flowers are on the nightstand Julian tells the duo that they can go home now. Asra comes to hug Hande and Muriel pats her on the shoulder, smiles and says, ”Take care,” before they get their familiars and leave the house. When Hande hears the front door closes behind them, her face drops again. _No need to pretend anymore..._ She knows she can't fool Julian, so she doesn't bother. Julian takes her in his arms and hugs her tightly, ”I missed you,” he whispers into Hande's ear and leans in for a kiss. Hande answers the kiss, but does it mechanically. Julian's kiss is very tender and loving, but it still feels like nothing for Hande. _Why is he still doing this? Is he keeping up appearances, although we're alone?_

The moment is interrupted, when Saaga scurries to the room. She headbutts Hande's ankles and makes an eye contact, ” _Baby crying._ ” And just like that, Ilona really starts to cry in the nursery. Hande freezes on the spot, anxiety taking over her body. _No, no, no... Not again..._ Hande covers her ears and hyperventilates. _What does the baby want? I should know, but I can't understand, it's making me crazy..._ Julian watches helplessly when his wife starts to rock herself on the verge of tears. He goes to Ilona, taking his daughter into his arms and speaking to her calmingly, “Shh, shh, shh... Ilonka, moje holčička, prosím, neplač. To je v pořádku, tati je tady.¹” Ilona still keeps crying, and her diaper is clean so she must be hungry. Julian doesn't want to upset Hande more, but now he has to. He goes back to their bedroom, rocking Ilona and babbling to her in Nevivic.

Hande looks frantic when Julian comes with Ilona. She feels so tired, she doesn't want to hear the baby's crying. Julian smiles to her woefully, letting Ilona suck his forefinger so that Hande wouldn't have a panic attack. ”My love, Ilona is hungry.” Hande doesn't understand, how Julian could know that, but she clutches her hands into fists and closes her eyes. _Deep breaths. I need to feed the baby, and the baby won't eat if I'm nervous._ After a moment she nods to Julian who gives Ilona to Hande. She manages to keep her hands steady, although her movements are still very mechanic. While Ilona is eating, Hande just stares at her, and tries to hold her properly, because that what's she's supposed to do. Julian has come to sit next to her again, drawing circles on her back with his palm. It actually helps Hande to calm down.

Ilona feels so strange in her arms. Sometimes Hande can't even believe she has given birth to this being, although she remembers the fear, the pain, midwife's calming presence and Julian holding her hand, stroking her cheek and whispering encouraging words to her. Ilona also has her mother's blue eyes and snub nose – and still Hande doesn't feel the baby is hers. _What kind of a mother you are, being sad and anxious when you're near the baby, your own daughter? Worthless, stupid, bad..._ Her eyes start to prickle with tears again. After Ilona has eaten enough, Julian gives praises for Hande and takes Ilona so he could burp her. Hande watches her husband and daughter, how Julian grins lovingly at their daughter, kissing her on her cheek and how he manages to make Ilona smile to him. Witnessing this sight gets Hande eaten up with jealousy. _Why is it so easy for him? The baby likes him more... Well, I can't love the baby enough, so no wonder..._ Silent tears now falling along her cheeks Hande curls herself into a ball and stares into nothing.

After burping Ilona starts to coo in her father's arms. Julian notices she's watching at Hande's direction and babbles to her daughter, ”Kdo je tam? Je to maminka? Ano, to je mami!²” Hande can understand Nevivic a little, but she doesn't hear Julian or notice, that her daughter is trying to make contact with her. Dark thoughts keep poisoning her mind. _You're worthless, a pain in everyone's ass! Julian only stays with you because of the baby. It would be better if you just died, everyone would be happy if you were gone!_ Hande startles a little when she notices that Julian has kneeled in front of her, making her notice Ilona. The baby still keeps cooing, shaking her little hands and when Hande makes eye contact, she smiles. Hande forces the corners of her mouth up and tentatively presents her forefinger to Ilona. The girl grabs the finger, shrieking excitedly. _Fool. You shouldn't trust me. I only cause you harm and sorrow._

Hande suddenly pulls her finger away, curling herself into a ball once more. Julian looks confused – he was happy to see how Hande had offered her finger to Ilona, but now she seems to have shut herself off completely. He nuzzles Ilona, but then turns his gaze to Hande. ”Han? My love? What's the matter, dear?” he asks his voice filled with worry. For a moment Hande speaks nothing, but then she hisses, ”Don't pretend you haven't thought about your life without me!” Julian looks dumbfounded. He decides it's better to take Ilona back to the nursery. After that she returns to the bedroom and kneels in front of Hande once more. ”Darling? What did you mean by that?” he asks. He can see Hande is crying, but doesn't dare to touch her, if she's angry at him. After the anxious silence Hande finally mumbles, ”You regret being with me. I only cause harm to everyone. I've failed as a wife and a mother... I'll ruin our child...” Her mumbling turns into sobbing and she hides her face behind her arms, trembling. 

Julian's heart breaks by her words and the sight of her. So that's been bothering her – for how long, he couldn't tell. Now Julian needs to fight back tears himself – it's devastating for him to see how the mind of the love of his life is trying to convince her that she's worthless. Her brave, kindhearted, intelligent Hande, hating herself... Julian climbs onto their bed, laying his right hand on Hande's shoulder. ”Hande? Could you please look at me?” Slowly Hande raises her head, but she's unable to meet her husband's eyes. Well, that must be enough for now, Julian thinks. He starts to stroke her shoulder while he speaks, ”Hande... My love... My sunlight and stars... The light of my life... I have never regretted being with you. Yes, some time ago I thought about my life without you, how would it be, but you know what? It made me feel miserable! Just the thought of living my life without you made me feel utterly lost and a life that's not worth living...”

Julian now places his palm on Hande's cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. Now Hande makes an eye contact, and it makes Julian's hurt jump a little. ”Hande, my love, you're just sick now. This is not the real you, and I know that. You haven't failed as a mother! I can see you love Ilona – you wouldn't try this much if you didn't. What kind of a husband I would be, if I wouldn't stand by your side? You were there for me, when I was a suspect for a murder! We promised to help each other, and I'm going to keep that promise. Not because I feel obliged to, but because I love you.” Hande blinks her eyes, her expression melting a little. Julian feels an urge to prove Hande how much he loves her and whispers, ”Darling, can I kiss you?” Hande nods and Julian leans in, closing the distance between them. Firstly, he gently kisses Hande's tears away from her cheeks and the reaches for her lips. They feel chapped, but Julian doesn't care, but caresses them with his own. Time seems to stop and Julian feels like Hande's body comes to life, at least a little. 

Reluctantly Julian draws away, so they both could breath. A bashful smile rises to Hande's lips and Julian takes her into his arms. Hande takes in Julian's familiar scent, leaning into his touch, humming contentedly. Hande answers the hug and whispers, how sorry she is for speaking to Julian like that. ”It's okay my love. I love you so much, and I will always be there for you, remember that. We will get through this, with the help of our family and friends – I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get better, I promise.” 

If only Hande could believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:
> 
> ¹ ”Ilonka, my little girl, please, don't cry. It's okay, daddy's here.”
> 
> ² ”Who's there? Is that mommy? Yes, that's mommy!”


End file.
